It was peaceful when I closed my eyes. No sounds. No racing thoughts. No visuals. Just static blankness. Spits of light here and there. I heard nothing, saw nothing, was nothing. The world goes at the pace I decide. I am the timekeeper. Once my eyelids flutter open it comes rushing back like acid reflux. Bad taste in my mouth that I can’t get rid of. The sting of it all. The dreams we had dissipating right before our eyes, never having a chance to materialize. Can nothing go our way? Is doom our fate forever? I can’t stand sizzling in burden. Feeling like my life is passing me by, like I can’t catch it in my grasp. Like I’m helpless in this fight. Drowning in loss, with no pause in this ever-winding road trip through all the things I could be, knowing I could never be. Repeatedly I see my life flash. I am but a passenger stuck in this vehicle that is me. Help me. I cannot help myself. That’s the narrative. I’m lost and sad and tired, and unsure of how to succeed. We were going strong until we crashed. You were freed from this world. I was chained behind. We had it all. You were taken and I was left. But everyday I am back in that car. I am back to the tragedy. That is all there is. Everything we could have been, should have been.
I tried to move forward and found myself strapped in despair and loneliness that gripped me so tightly I only saw spots. We did everything together, went everywhere together. Love attached us to the hip, until you were ripped from my being leaving a gaping bleeding hole that hasn’t been sealed, that my sorrow has peeled it, trying to cope, but it’s not working. I try to hope, I try to dream, I try. But I cannot move. The days are going, the days are going and I’m at a bus stop waiting for a bus that’s never arriving. Why didn’t we go together? Life was supposed to be for us. It was so sweet… us. Lively. Meant for each other and meant for greatness. Meant to thrive in this ruthless world side by side. Partners for life. Now left with an emptiness that cannot be filled in. Watching my life pass me by. Waiting my turn. The fatal turn that will send me flying into your arms. Sorry mom and dad, but I can’t be here.
When the space you leave enters your mind push it away. Your lost presence from that environment was not a mistake. Temporary spaces, limits to how much pain you can endure before you walk away from shame. It’s not your fault, it’s the way things must be. Handle the situation as presented. Don’t look back on the spots of smiles, remember the trauma and the burns. Didn’t feel good then, won’t be better later. Gone for a reason, that’s what they say and it’s true. Skip out on the shadows. Walk into the field of light and bask in those warm rays that caress your arms with gentle ease instead of mean tease. Are you feeling free and lovely? Dousing your heart with love? That’s how it should be, how it will be from now on. Is it fair? Yes. Are there others hurting? Yes. Maybe one day they will join you in the fresh air. Out of the suffocation of fear and distress. You can’t save those not ready to walk away, but you can do better, know better, and walk out that space. You can’t save everyone. It’s not your fault. Keep on your path and stop looking over your shoulder. There is nothing left. Nothing there for you to turn back to. With each step you take, imagine the path behind you disappearing. You couldn’t go back even if you wanted to. Poof! Vanish. Take that deep breath of crisp air and push forward. Forward.
You got this.
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