Sweet fire
Toasty days under the sun
Roaming through the forest searching for honey
Runs through my veins.
You were a spitfire, a gal to be reckoned.
No one dared challenge you
We shared lemonade on the porch in the warm evenings
We laughed over cocoa by the fireplace in the cold nights
You were with me and I with you
Always with love to give
Always with a cunning remark
Two sides of the same coin
My sweet fire
My sunrise
My best friend.

I watched your shadow depart as you left, turning off all the lights in your wake. I listened as your footsteps retreated from my door, I felt the need to jump out my bed and stop you, but frozen I was. I had no heart to stop you, to tell you to accept the things you reject. I had no heart to tell you to imprison your ambition just to be comfortable. Stay for one more day and one more night. Stay content in misery as it loves company. Stay within the background as it is safe. To gaze into your dying eyes, I had no heart to say turn back. So go forth in the night in secret without me.

​Orange and fallen, a sort of relief and release from penetrating heat. A time to glide and reside in peace and calmer times. An opportunity to walk and not flee, an opportunity to really seek nature’s transition into a solemn breeze. An easy reason to crunch leaves on the sidewalk as you did in childhood. Does everything come back around? Eventually winter challenge, spring release, followed by summer daze, and back to autumn cleanse. I wonder in which season the world began…

Were you born gray in search of richer color?
Perhaps the purple of nobility?
Or the red of passion?
Were you left hanging from the cliffs of danger in search of freedom?
Perhaps the infinite ocean will quench your desires.

I wanna be like a bird going south
Not caged like a bird.
I want the wisdom of an owl springing up
Not deceived by a reptile.
I wanna be seen as a lioness in the west
Not disregarded as rat’s filth
I want the purpose of a bee flying to the tallest flower
Not surrounded by circling vultures marking my death.

Pulsating. Enriching. Switch. The ends frayed and dancing in the wind have become the beginning. The way it starts, messy and grieved for you truly are hurt. Softly, with grace and patience, speak to me. The fears you hold gently in your arms are tainted lies. Open your arms to the clouds and release them. Release yourself from this tumultuous pain you have held for so long. Let me comfort your wounds, bandage them as they ooze. Careful I am, careful I will be because I love you. As your heart beats and drops I am here.

Joann laid next to me, a beauty cloaked in a ghostly hue
who she was I never knew
Gone in a flash
Came back striking like lightning
She was a force I couldn't overcome
A silent ruse
A mystical muse
Why would she choose
me to welcome her back into life
I'm as lost as lost can be.
No direction, no suggestion to give.
​She laid there silently watching me with her hollow eyes.
Joann please stop looking at me! 

 
I’ve been trying to understand you for some time now.
Trying to reach you but have not been able to grasp you.
The time has gone now.
But where are you?
 
I’ve been trying to call you for some time now.
Trying to listen to you but have not been able to hear you.
The past is fraught now.
But what is our friendship to you?
 
I’ve been trying so hard to support you with love and kindness.
Patience and comfort.
Respect and space.
But the distance is loud.
The rejection is even louder.
The silence from your mouth is astronomical.
 
I’ve been trying
And trying.
My patience is gone now.
But so are you.
 

​It was peaceful when I closed my eyes. No sounds. No racing thoughts. No visuals. Just static blankness. Spits of light here and there. I heard nothing, saw nothing, was nothing. The world goes at the pace I decide. I am the timekeeper. Once my eyelids flutter open it comes rushing back like acid reflux. Bad taste in my mouth that I can’t get rid of. The sting of it all. The dreams we had dissipating right before our eyes, never having a chance to materialize. Can nothing go our way? Is doom our fate forever? I can’t stand sizzling in burden. Feeling like my life is passing me by, like I can’t catch it in my grasp. Like I’m helpless in this fight. Drowning in loss, with no pause in this ever-winding road trip through all the things I could be, knowing I could never be. Repeatedly I see my life flash. I am but a passenger stuck in this vehicle that is me. Help me. I cannot help myself. That’s the narrative. I’m lost and sad and tired, and unsure of how to succeed.  We were going strong until we crashed. You were freed from this world. I was chained behind. We had it all. You were taken and I was left. But everyday I am back in that car. I am back to the tragedy. That is all there is. Everything we could have been, should have been.
​I tried to move forward and found myself strapped in despair and loneliness that gripped me so tightly I only saw spots. We did everything together, went everywhere together. Love attached us to the hip, until you were ripped from my being leaving a gaping bleeding hole that hasn’t been sealed, that my sorrow has peeled it, trying to cope, but it’s not working. I try to hope, I try to dream, I try. But I cannot move. The days are going, the days are going and I’m at a bus stop waiting for a bus that’s never arriving. Why didn’t we go together? Life was supposed to be for us. It was so sweet… us. Lively. Meant for each other and meant for greatness. Meant to thrive in this ruthless world side by side. Partners for life. Now left with an emptiness that cannot be filled in. Watching my life pass me by. Waiting my turn. The fatal turn that will send me flying into your arms. Sorry mom and dad, but I can’t be here.

When the space you leave enters your mind push it away. Your lost presence from that environment was not a mistake. Temporary spaces, limits to how much pain you can endure before you walk away from shame. It’s not your fault, it’s the way things must be. Handle the situation as presented. Don’t look back on the spots of smiles, remember the trauma and the burns. Didn’t feel good then, won’t be better later. Gone for a reason, that’s what they say and it’s true. Skip out on the shadows. Walk into the field of light and bask in those warm rays that caress your arms with gentle ease instead of mean tease. Are you feeling free and lovely? Dousing your heart with love? That’s how it should be, how it will be from now on. Is it fair? Yes. Are there others hurting? Yes. Maybe one day they will join you in the fresh air. Out of the suffocation of fear and distress. You can’t save those not ready to walk away, but you can do better, know better, and walk out that space. You can’t save everyone. It’s not your fault. Keep on your path and stop looking over your shoulder. There is nothing left. Nothing there for you to turn back to. With each step you take, imagine the path behind you disappearing. You couldn’t go back even if you wanted to. Poof! Vanish. Take that deep breath of crisp air and push forward. Forward.
​Forward.
You got this.