He sees me
He watches me
My every move
Within the shadows he lurks nearby
He creeps his arms around my waist
The silk smooth of his voice sifting into my brain through my ears
He knows my movements
My wants and desires
He has them in the palm of his hand
Me, he has me in the palm of his hand
I cannot escape
I do not want to escape
He knows this
I smell his candy sweet breath
I feel his alluring presence billowing like a great cloud around me
I am enshrouded in him
Soften your heart towards me for I am fragile
So fragile the wind of your inattention may blow me away.
Do you hear the words I speak?
Listen, because if you don’t
I may cry
I am unheard
I have been made invisible.
So much for choosing a superpower
Tight-lipped with nothing to say
It is the sternness of your words that have ate up my own.
It is with certainty that your rage billows like a storm at sea surrounding me.
Are you done?
Or are you finished?
The torment is enough, you have shut me up and spoken for the both of us.
My mind, my words, what I feel or think
Is not worthy of mention, but apparently yours is… more so than mine.
You yell and I clench my fingers into my palms.
I should walk away.
Would you follow me or yell louder until distance drowns out the spiteful commentary?
My feet won’t move.
I wiggle my toes
Shift from foot to foot.
You pause to take a breath.
“Aren’t you going to say something?!”
Now you want me to speak.
I stare at you.
Chest rising and falling quickly.
Look at all the energy dispelling from your body.
Warmth spreads into my feet and I turn away from you and walk.
Step by step, each one farther away.
It’s quiet behind me.
I glance back at you to a look of bewilderment and defeat.
Tussle with irrationality, no, no, I could not.
Like punching the rain or kicking falling snow.
The storm has passed and I’m making it back to shore bruised
Degraded disrespected unheard
Made lesser than, humiliated
Nonetheless I survived.
I am to be heard
I will not stick around and let another steal my humanity.
Doesn’t it get old
Standing out in the cold
I know what they’ve said
About you ‘making your bed”
But I think you can fix it
So don’t you exit
I know it seems like the end
But here I am friend
To help you through the tough time
That sometimes sneak up on you like a mime.
Don’t give up hope
There are better ways to cope
Than standing out in the cold
Isn’t that getting old?
Don’t you want a warm bed
Like they’ve said
If you exit
You can fix it
I’m waiting for you, friend
You’re almost to the end
You found better ways to cope
And have so much more hope
You’re almost done through the tough time.
I am there now.
I was there then.
I have now
I was there then.
I saved myself
In a sea
Of compulsion and anxiety and self-degradation
He saved me.
Him who’s kingdom could never be shaken.
Him who’s patience means salvation.
Him who dragged me out the depths of my mind.
So deep I couldn’t see two feet in front me
Murky waters surrounding me
Now I can breathe in fresh air
And supply my body, mind, soul, and spirit
With the proper care and nutrients, it lacked so much before.
Thank you, God.
Because I was truly lost in a cycle.
Grabbing for control of the world
While lacking Self-control
Or even self-appreciation.
Desperately trying to gain favor in the eyes of people who
Weren’t for me, just so I could have a sense of friendship.
To feel like someone cared because I didn’t.
But He does.
And I’ve learned that sometimes that’s all that matters.
Forgetful freedom and a lack of control
Is there anyone out there?
I tried to yell, but no one
I tried to wave my arms, but no one saw.
And you don’t even want to know about the scent, but no one smelled it.
Or they did and didn’t care.
I thought it was something,
But I think I was wrong.
Two dinner plates,
And a bowl of food.
Left in the dark,
To rot and mold,
Like the inside of your body,
A token used,
A token saved,
A game seen,
A game played.
There’s no such thing as bad luck,
So there’s no such thing as good luck either.
No one is lucky,
No one is lucky.
Minds racing, it’s a marathon,
Chasing air for that yellow ribbon
Win win win
Strive to win but then what do we do?
Losers work to win
Winners are done. Winners work to keep the others at bay.
They do to stop others, always frightened of being kicked out of place
Losers focus on one winner
One winner focuses on all losers.
The first loser, a.k.a second place,
Is only one step close close closer
To snatching #1
So watch out winner
You’re about to lose first.
Check your back pocket for the note I left you
There’s a rose on the bottom
A red rose
I just had to get some things off my chest that I couldn’t say in person
I just feel like we might have left things off on a bad foot.
You were right about a lot of things. I’m not proud of my actions. I avoided and ignored you. I ran away instead of finding a way to explain. It’s not so simple though, I don’t think you get it. I don’t think you get the days when it’s raining, seeing the water hit my window and drip down, how that reminds me of all the tears I have cried.
Sometimes in a day.
You need to understand. Don’t accuse me of being negligent. Realize that I can’t handle certain things like when you want to introduce me to your family or tell you about mine. I can’t handle spending five hours straight with you out and about.
Let’s go home, watch a movie, eat cookies, and fall asleep.
I can’t handle choosing places to go because I’m indecisive and oh I’m used to being told my ideas are trash, unrealistic and not thought out. Don’t argue with me either. Arguments give me anxiety and I just think you’re going to slap the shit out of me for ‘getting out of line’. I can’t handle a raised voice.
Whisper to me, understand my fears and irrational train of thought.
Bring patience and a bag of Doritos. I learn by acceptance and healing. I should have told you but it’s not that easy to say something that might put me at risk for being loved. The irony is, doing the opposite gave me the same outcome. That’s why I wrote the note. I had to explain. I hope you understand.
If not, that’s cool too…
But I really hope you do. I like you a lot. A lot more than I thought I would when we first met. You were obviously super outgoing and talkative. Maybe I should have left it at that.
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