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He sees me
He watches me My every move Within the shadows he lurks nearby He creeps his arms around my waist The silk smooth of his voice sifting into my brain through my ears Luring me He knows He knows my movements My wants and desires He has them in the palm of his hand Me, he has me in the palm of his hand I cannot escape I do not want to escape He knows this I smell his candy sweet breath I feel his alluring presence billowing like a great cloud around me I am enshrouded in him
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Heard.
Wanted. Respected. Cared for. Worthy. Soften your heart towards me for I am fragile So fragile the wind of your inattention may blow me away. Do you hear the words I speak? Listen, because if you don’t I may cry Tears unheard I am unheard I have been made invisible. So much for choosing a superpower Tight-lipped with nothing to say It is the sternness of your words that have ate up my own. It is with certainty that your rage billows like a storm at sea surrounding me. Are you done? Or are you finished? The torment is enough, you have shut me up and spoken for the both of us. My mind, my words, what I feel or think Is not worthy of mention, but apparently yours is… more so than mine. You yell and I clench my fingers into my palms. I should walk away. Would you follow me or yell louder until distance drowns out the spiteful commentary? My feet won’t move. I wiggle my toes Shift from foot to foot. You pause to take a breath. “Aren’t you going to say something?!” Me? Now you want me to speak. I stare at you. Chest rising and falling quickly. Look at all the energy dispelling from your body. Warmth spreads into my feet and I turn away from you and walk. Step by step, each one farther away. It’s quiet behind me. I glance back at you to a look of bewilderment and defeat. Tussle with irrationality, no, no, I could not. Like punching the rain or kicking falling snow. The storm has passed and I’m making it back to shore bruised Degraded disrespected unheard Made lesser than, humiliated Nonetheless I survived. I am to be heard I will not stick around and let another steal my humanity. Doesn’t it get old
Standing out in the cold I know what they’ve said About you ‘making your bed” But I think you can fix it So don’t you exit I know it seems like the end But here I am friend To help you through the tough time That sometimes sneak up on you like a mime. Don’t give up hope There are better ways to cope Than standing out in the cold Isn’t that getting old? Don’t you want a warm bed Like they’ve said If you exit You can fix it I’m waiting for you, friend You’re almost to the end You found better ways to cope And have so much more hope You’re almost done through the tough time. Good space
Head space Happy place I am there now. Bad space No space Scary place I was there then. Clear mind Content mind Optimistic thoughts I have now Messy mind Restless mind Obsessive thoughts I was there then. I saved myself From drowning In a sea Of compulsion and anxiety and self-degradation No He saved me. Him who’s kingdom could never be shaken. Him who’s patience means salvation. Him who dragged me out the depths of my mind. So deep I couldn’t see two feet in front me Murky waters surrounding me Now I can breathe in fresh air And supply my body, mind, soul, and spirit With the proper care and nutrients, it lacked so much before. Thank you, God. Because I was truly lost in a cycle. Grabbing for control of the world While lacking Self-control Or even self-appreciation. Desperately trying to gain favor in the eyes of people who Weren’t for me, just so I could have a sense of friendship. To feel like someone cared because I didn’t. But He does. And I’ve learned that sometimes that’s all that matters. Condescending congestion Forgetful freedom and a lack of control Is there anyone out there? I tried to yell, but no one I tried to wave my arms, but no one saw. And you don’t even want to know about the scent, but no one smelled it. Or they did and didn’t care. I thought it was something,
But I think I was wrong. Two dinner plates, And a bowl of food. Left in the dark, To rot and mold, Like the inside of your body, Just rotten. A token used, A token saved, A game seen, A game played. There’s no such thing as bad luck, So there’s no such thing as good luck either. No one is lucky, No one is lucky. Minds racing, it’s a marathon,
Chasing air for that yellow ribbon Gold cup. Win win win Strive to win but then what do we do? Losers work to win Winners are done. Winners work to keep the others at bay. They do to stop others, always frightened of being kicked out of place Losers focus on one winner One winner focuses on all losers. The first loser, a.k.a second place, Is only one step close close closer To snatching #1 So watch out winner You’re about to lose first. Wilted
Check your back pocket for the note I left you There’s a rose on the bottom A red rose My signature Yeah... Um I just had to get some things off my chest that I couldn’t say in person I just feel like we might have left things off on a bad foot. You were right about a lot of things. I’m not proud of my actions. I avoided and ignored you. I ran away instead of finding a way to explain. It’s not so simple though, I don’t think you get it. I don’t think you get the days when it’s raining, seeing the water hit my window and drip down, how that reminds me of all the tears I have cried. Sometimes in a day. You need to understand. Don’t accuse me of being negligent. Realize that I can’t handle certain things like when you want to introduce me to your family or tell you about mine. I can’t handle spending five hours straight with you out and about. Let’s go home, watch a movie, eat cookies, and fall asleep. I can’t handle choosing places to go because I’m indecisive and oh I’m used to being told my ideas are trash, unrealistic and not thought out. Don’t argue with me either. Arguments give me anxiety and I just think you’re going to slap the shit out of me for ‘getting out of line’. I can’t handle a raised voice. Whisper to me, understand my fears and irrational train of thought. Bring patience and a bag of Doritos. I learn by acceptance and healing. I should have told you but it’s not that easy to say something that might put me at risk for being loved. The irony is, doing the opposite gave me the same outcome. That’s why I wrote the note. I had to explain. I hope you understand. If not, that’s cool too… But I really hope you do. I like you a lot. A lot more than I thought I would when we first met. You were obviously super outgoing and talkative. Maybe I should have left it at that. Just couldn’t. |
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July 2021
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